fat femme tboy blues
this is more of a rant than a coherent blog, but lately i've just been thinking a lot about the way i exist in a weird invisible inbetween as a fat feminine trans man...what prompted me to post about this was seeing a cute picrew and thinking about how, despite how queer and trans-centered so many picrews tend to be, i've never been able to join in on the fun when my friends share them around because it's just...not possible to make myself on any picrew i've ever seen, lol. not that being able to make myself on a picrew is something that affects my quality of life, but it's just a microcosm of this thing i've noticed where i seem to be floating alone on my own lonely little raft in the Sea of Queers, isolated by the specific venn diagram formation that is me.
nobody wants to see fat people. nobody thinks about fat trans men because we aren't the cute and palatable waifish men-lite that they want us to be. other trans men don't even think about fat tboys. and fat men, in general, are gross, of course. especially if you're hairy or have male pattern baldness (i do.) i fit an aesthetic considered desirable in gay bear spaces, because i look like the kind of man they want, but when it comes out that i have a pussy and like to wear makeup and women's pants, it gets risky real fast. same thing with cishets: if i conform to the accepted style of dress and behavior for a fat man it's fine, but if i'm my real self it's "you should have stayed a girl". they don't know that i never was a Girl; not in the "trapped in a woman's body" sense, but because i've had a beard and a receding hairline since i was 12 years old and stopped menstruating more than a decade before i started taking hormones.
other trans men might be more accepting of my femininity in theory, if i can describe myself in text, but in person i look too much like a cis man if i don't out myself, and that signifies me as a threat because oooh you look like you have a penis and that's scary. i'm perceived as a crossdressing fat cis man by both cis and trans people, and both groups are put off by that. i've been threatened with violence on public transit by a man who hated to see a "fat faggot". i wasn't sure if i would have preferred my transness to be the the center of his attention.
all of that said, i don't want this post to be a big downer or anything, i just needed to get this rant out. fellow fat tboy fems out there, if there are any of you reading this, i love you
nobody wants to see fat people. nobody thinks about fat trans men because we aren't the cute and palatable waifish men-lite that they want us to be. other trans men don't even think about fat tboys. and fat men, in general, are gross, of course. especially if you're hairy or have male pattern baldness (i do.) i fit an aesthetic considered desirable in gay bear spaces, because i look like the kind of man they want, but when it comes out that i have a pussy and like to wear makeup and women's pants, it gets risky real fast. same thing with cishets: if i conform to the accepted style of dress and behavior for a fat man it's fine, but if i'm my real self it's "you should have stayed a girl". they don't know that i never was a Girl; not in the "trapped in a woman's body" sense, but because i've had a beard and a receding hairline since i was 12 years old and stopped menstruating more than a decade before i started taking hormones.
other trans men might be more accepting of my femininity in theory, if i can describe myself in text, but in person i look too much like a cis man if i don't out myself, and that signifies me as a threat because oooh you look like you have a penis and that's scary. i'm perceived as a crossdressing fat cis man by both cis and trans people, and both groups are put off by that. i've been threatened with violence on public transit by a man who hated to see a "fat faggot". i wasn't sure if i would have preferred my transness to be the the center of his attention.
all of that said, i don't want this post to be a big downer or anything, i just needed to get this rant out. fellow fat tboy fems out there, if there are any of you reading this, i love you
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